First off, let me apologize by sounding like a Carrie Bradshaw thought from mid series Sex And The City but that is the question I am asking myself recently.
I’ve been in a weird mood this week, It’s been a rough week and as much as I trying to appreciate everything I have right now in NYC; I’ve been bitten by the homesickness bug and I can’t wait to be home, in my own bed with a cup of green tea (let’s be honest, a glass of prosecco) and cuddling with my cats. While I’ve been indulging in these memories, I couldn’t help but wonder (I had to, couldn’t resist as I’m embodying Carrie now), wasn’t it just last year when I was at home that I couldn’t wait for NYC and everything that it would bring? Classic Carrie question and classic grass is always greener scenario.
I’m now even asking myself that question for when I return home; Will I be happier when I go home than I was in New York? Don’t get me wrong- New York is a phenomenal city and I love it here but carrying on from my previous blog entry; it can get a bit much. The concrete jungle can chew you up and spit you out quicker than taking a subway from one end of Manhattan to the other. I’ve been feeling like this pretty much every week and it’s got me thinking that hasn’t this been the case since I graduated college. Always ‘I will happier when I’m doing this’, ‘I’ll be happier when I’m there’, ‘I wish I was there instead of here, then everything would be perfect’, again it’s the grass is always greener on the other side. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to the safety net of college and be back in UCD circa 2014 but we can’t go back, only forwards and even if I was to go back to 2014, I would still in hunting for the greener grass.
Is this a self-defeating quality I have? Maybe, we all do it from time to time. It’s probably a millennial thing but I feel as I’ve delving into this question, other friends I know feel the same; ‘I wish I got into this course’, ‘I wish I moved here’ or ‘I wish I pursued this or that career/goal’. It’s negative thinking and yet we do it all the time. I’m sorry, I’m rambling I know, ‘I just have a lot of feelings’ *Insert Damian from Mean Girls screaming at me*. Just as I’m writing this blog post a friend Facebook messages me and reminds me “No looking back, only look forward” and that is easier said than done but he’s absolutely right. As much as I want to run back and hide in the glorious university days, unfortunately that time has gone and passed but what still lies ahead in the future is an adventure because anything could happen. There are so many wonderful opportunities and experiences that are waiting for us and they could miss us if we don’t pay attention.
‘Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.’- John Lennon
I know I’m putting a lot of quotes and pop culture references in here but they’re helping me sort out this mental thought jumble I’ve been having for the last week down in writing.
Something else crazy that happened to me was today I looked at Facebook Memories as I do every day and I thought nothing of it until I saw a posted from 6 years ago today that I got accepted to study Drama at Trinity College Dublin and I’ve been back and forth thinking about this since. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I had gone there for my undergraduate degree? Would the grass have been greener? Would all my hopes and dreams could true? I don’t know. It’s most likely not that much would have changed from where I am today but again, I taunted myself with that question.
There is one way however to get around this negative thinking though is to look at all you’ve achieved so far and just to keep going. Learn to work hard, breathe and keep going but you are getting there and you are enough.
And on that note, I will you with a quote below that pretty much sums up this blog post.
‘It’s funny how you plan your life and it never goes as you’ve envisioned it. No, instead, it goes as you never imagined it would go. For example, you want to go left, but you end up going right. You want to be different, but you end up being the same. You want happiness but all you get is pain.
Nothing ever goes as planned, and I think that’s how it is for everyone. Everyone is mostly content with who they become and never question why they never became more.’-R. M Drake